“There is a difference between being stuck and choosing to stay. Between being found and finding yourself.” -Martina Boone
Desire is the next of the five hindrances. For me, desire comes in different forms. There is addiction and that desperate need to fill a void. This has been described as the Hungry Ghost: we try to fill ourselves up but there is a hole that empties everything back out over and over again. Many of us did not get our needs met in childhood. This can come in different forms from severe abuse and neglect to well-meaning caretakes who just don’t connect with us. As children, we don’t understand why this is happening and we can begin to feel a sense that something is wrong with us. This is a painful feeling. We are hard-wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain, so this can be one reason we become so hungry.
We find things in life to help us feel better, even just for a little bit. For some, this could be distracting ourselves from pain by working or exercising a lot, over eating or not eating, self injury, or using drugs or alcohol. This also happens in the form of the quality of relationships we form and endure. If we want to fill that void of loneliness, finding another person to submerge ourselves with feels good for a little while. Ultimately, we are still not the exact same person and the differences in our wants and needs keep popping back up so that we cannot permanently fuel ourselves off another.
I depicted this trap as a beautiful ball stuck in a cocoon. The cocoon can feel soft, warm, and comfortable. It can also close in around us and suffocate us if we stay in there too long. We were meant to be free and exploring, not stuck in one place forever.
But, as desire is one of these five hindrances, it means that it is part of our human condition to have it pop up over and over again, even when we are not doing anything to cause it. The path to freedom is to stop struggling, accept reality as it is including the pain that you feel. This includes also accepting the times you tried to overcome this pain by doing things that ended up making your life harder. We cannot go back and change anything that has already happened. We cannot do anything at all about other people’s choices and behavior. However, we have a great amount of power over our own choices and behavior and the first step is to stop running from the pain, stop clinging to your cocoon, and allow yourself to open up to life’s possibilities.
This may sound simple, but it is not at all easy to do. There are many paths towards self-acceptance. In DBT, it is called Radical Acceptance. One of my very favorite teachers and authors, Tara Brach, wrote a book called Radical Acceptance. In therapy, there are all kinds of different methods we use to help people make peace with life as it is. One that was just recommended to me is called Interpersonal Family Systems. I just ordered a book by Jay Earley called, “Self-Therapy”. I will let you know what I think after I get it and read it!